Remembering

You know the feeling when you just know in your heart that this is going to be the last time you see someone you love? The moment when you stop, right before entering the room, and you ask yourself if this is really a good idea? Should I go in there and see that person that is so sick, so frail, and you just feel your heart start to ache and you start to question taking that step? Do I want to see him this way or should I just remember him always as someone who is very much alive? Will he even know I'm there? How will I know what to say? Will I be able to talk to someone who won't be able to respond?

I know we've all felt this way. And, to be honest with you all, I've been feeling this way for the past year. I haven't wanted to visit. I haven't taken that step. I didn't want to see my Grandpa struggle to remember who I was. Alzheimer's is an awful disease that takes over the mind and makes people change. A man that was once very intelligent, once very fun, witty, and that we teasingly called 'Grumpy Gramps', was now, in fact, mean....he was mad...he was angry that he couldn't remember what happened five minutes ago, five days ago, and sometimes even what happened five years ago. It made me sad and scared to see my Grandpa like that and around a year ago, I decided that I did not want to remember him like that and, more importantly, I did not want Parker and Andrew to remember him like this. So, as much as I hated it, we didn't visit....

Until Saturday. On Saturday I took that step. I stepped into my Grandpa and Grandma's house, a house that I'd been in a thousand times before, and I knew this was it. I knew that was going to be the last time I would see him and a flood of memories took over me...as I know they did to my siblings. What an amazing day this was. A man who, for the past three years, couldn't remember much of anything, was peaceful. And, he remembered. He remembered who we were....Parker and Andrew got to talk to him and hold his hand, we all got to use this day to tell Grandpa what we've wanted to tell him for the past three years- that we love him, that we'll miss him, and that he'll always be the intelligent, funny, witty, and sometimes grumpy Grandpa and that we will forever be grateful for having him in our lives.

I have so many memories of my Grandpa - from my young childhood, when I would 'run away' to their house {which was only three doors down from ours}, to visiting him at the Ice Cream Store to get a Clown Ice Cream Cone {he owned Baskin Robbins}, to learning about the 'country life' when they lived out on the farm, to learning about horse racing, pool, and golf {although I didn't pay much attention in any of these areas}, and the time when I was in high school, going on a trip to Mexico with friends and upon my return, my Grandpa told me he'd seen me on MTV {not true, of course}....only to have me question why my Grandpa was watching the Spring Break special on MTV. {Smile} Grandpa always teased me about...well, about pretty much everything....he teased me about my driving, about my boyfriends, about my grades, about my clothes, about my friends...but, I always knew that he teased me because he was proud. He was proud of all of us grandkids.

And, I sat in Grandpa's room on Saturday, I wasn't quite sure what to do. Should I hold his hand? Should I snuggle up next to him while he slept? Should I turn on the basketball game on the TV for him? I just wasn't sure. So, I talked. I told him about my recent car accident and that he would have loved to have teased me about it {I got him to open his eyes on that one}. Lauryn talked about golf, Dani talked about KU basketball, April was the caretaker, and Jon just wanted to be close by...and although his responses were short, we all had the feeling that he could hear us and that he knew we were there.

We all wanted to say goodbye, but I don't think any of us did.

Instead, I think we all took a vow to keep remembering. To always remember the fun days we had with Grandpa and to always remember this last day. Love you, Grumpy Gramps.

Grandpa smiled at my boys on Saturday and told them it was 'real nice to see you boys.' This photo is the only other time I've seen him smile in the past year....it was taken last spring.



Rest In Peace, Grandpa. You will no longer be suffering.